Electronic Rockstar

I used to say that I was numb. Taking the chorus of one of the songs I’ve written, it says…

"I seem to be so numb
Or am I just so dumb?
I let a callous heart find its way
back again
into this system
of emotional pain"

I used to think that I was numb from the pain and that it was ok to just keep goin back to someone or looking around for someone new.

These days, the word numb has a whole new meaning to me.

I still feel numb.

But this time, I feel nothing for anyone. I don’t like anybody. It’s actually creepy. It’s weird. It’s like, I’m totally focused on my music these days. There’s that numb feeling but at the same time, there’s also a longing. It’s that longing for something and not someone. Right now, that ’something’ for me is the feeling itself. I long for that feeling of bliss that a woman can elicit from my emotions. I long for longing. It sounds funny but right now, that’s my emotional state. I want to go gaga. I wanna fall head over heels over someone. I want to feel so crazy in love. But I don’t think I’ll be experiencing this anytime soon. Unless, God surprises me.

When I fell into a depressed state years ago, I prayed to God to put me back to that emotional state when I was a kid. That having noone was ok. That it was possible to be happy living a single life. I think God answered that prayer these days. Sometimes, I wish I was out of this state. But my sister says maybe God’s preparing me for "the one." haha scary.

’til then, I’ll make music and look forward to that certain someone I’ll be writing songs for.

This entry was posted on Friday, September 2nd, 2005 at 12:42 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.